The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
prepare for carbonated trouble
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…