They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
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So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Siri: Retweet me.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Welcome to the stomach
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.