Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
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What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever