Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

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Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.


How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.


I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.


[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.


When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”


[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*


“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza


[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*


THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree


To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…