I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
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Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.