Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
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We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need