Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
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Sign of the day..
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
❤️🦆
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Check your privilege
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them