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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Mmmm canned fish.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story