Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
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petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
🤣😈🤣
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”