Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
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Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*