Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes