“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
This pepper has seen some shit
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.