Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.