[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
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James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.