If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
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@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking