thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*