thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
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I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
This kid is going places
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun