Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
You Might Also Like
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.