Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”