Please let me in.. 😂
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
😍😂🥰😂😍