Drive as I say, not as I drive.
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Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.