Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Britain be like
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩