[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then