I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.