I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
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omg leave her alone
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV