[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.