I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.