“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
You Might Also Like
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!