Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
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Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.