Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
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[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
WTF IS THAT!
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Me in tagged photos
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.