WTF IS THAT!
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ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me