ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
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so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations