My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
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ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.