“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
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Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.