5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
what’s the point then??
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.