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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
A family that plays together cheats.