Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
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Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
🤣🤣🤣
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”