Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
You Might Also Like
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
broke down and did it
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.