Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
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Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
Thought I heard clattering
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES