I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
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grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Confused owl: What?!
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.