Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

Donkey Kong sommelier

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN