Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
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ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*