me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Time for evil
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.