When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
![]()
You Might Also Like
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Just as the prophecy foretold
![]()
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”