Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
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Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.