Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
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“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car