If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”


*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.


In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.


The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.


The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.


My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.


[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.


Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”


My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.


What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.