@SkinnerSteven

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

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@thatcarlygirl

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

@3sunzzz

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

@elle91

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

@EliTerry

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

@Staggfilms

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

@BeeeejEsq

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

@LackOfShame

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

@TheAlexNevil

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

@JohnLyonTweets

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

@ericamorecambe

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.