nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
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The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
This rocks
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
The internet is magic sometimes.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*