Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.