Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.