* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
me refusing to leave twitter
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what