*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

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Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.


[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26



[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.


Knock knock

“Who’s there?”


“Dejav who?”

Knock knock


If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.


They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*



Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports


[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”


As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.


jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community