@mortimermaiden Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
@SexytotheNorth *Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
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@mortimermaiden 
@Book_Krazy [Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
@Reverend_Scott [Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
@hythemafia Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
@Staggfilms If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
@Marlebean They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
@thepunningman Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
@Brampersandon_ [texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
@Marlebean As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
@dunwaIl jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community