*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
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The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
the greatest twitter interaction
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Pretty much. 🤣
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner