You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
You Might Also Like
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Saturday
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly