No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.