[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
You Might Also Like
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”